I woke up today with a heavy heart and a heavy soul. I’m not entirely sure what I’m thinking or feeling or what my subconscious has been processing. I don’t remember dreaming although it feels like there is a fading whisper of something. I know that I have been disappointing myself a lot lately and that I have many things I need to change. The thoughts that I have, the advice given to me by others, my doubts and uncertainty for the things I don’t know. Am I living in a fiction or am I under attack. This is the trend; I start thinking about how everyone would be better without me and if not better then at least no worse off. To turn my back on the world. Perhaps my time in the wilderness was not over, perhaps I came back too soon. A part of me is scared my time in the wilderness is just starting.

I am not perfect; I have many things I need to keep working on. I need to be slower to speak, for the words that I say echo through more than just my eternity. I need to hold my truth inside of me as still as I can, for if it is true, it may be for only me and if it is fiction then it was never meant for the world anyway. I need to stop using substances to detach and distract, for as fun as I may find them at times…recently they have been a key element to the fall. I need to show restraint with food, as I deny myself nothing and can feel that in my body and soul. A new darkness has arisen recently, only just, I need to curb this new feeling of lust, for I can tell it is tainted and is not pure and although it is new I feel it’s power and pull. I’m sure these aren’t my only struggles, and should I see my way through them, I would imagine there will always be another.

This morning the thought of you is heavy, because I feel like I am doing you a disservice being in your life. I would rather you think of me not at all then be hindered by me. The thought of your light and energy being drained by my gray, is more than I want to bare this morning. I can just pray that this is as God wills it.

I will miss you.

Please always keep smiling! Know that you’re worth it!

Always Yours

me