I show up to a smile and a hug. You’re on your phone, very likely the reason you didn’t answer when I told you I would call you back in two minutes. The bartender asks if I want a drink, I refuse twice. You put your hand over your phone so whoever you’re talking to can’t hear you and tell me to get one, we have plenty of time. After several more minutes my drink arrives and I start to take a sip. How long have I been here now 10 or 15 minutes. Together alone while you’re on your phone.

Off your phone now we talk for a few minutes, not long enough to finish my drink. You make the comment that you know what kind of person I am, your confidence overflows. Then you tell me you have to run home, but you’ll be back. Like so many times before when I was left to myself when we would go out. I guzzle my drink and prepare to pay, thinking at the very least I can leave with you. While waiting to pay, you talk to a person you’ve met once or twice at the bar. Together alone, I stand there waiting for the bartender to come take my card.

We end up at a restaurant, one where you have an actual friend working. We sit at the bar, like you always do. Within minutes before even ordering, another person comes in that you know from the bar. You swivel your stool, your back to me now. You almost turn back once, just to order food. You do turn back once to tell me they are a chef at a restaurant just down the road. Thinking maybe you wanted me to be part of the conversation I attempted to talk, to say we should go sometime. Bombastically you proclaim, “You should go!” not once, not twice, three times, your finger waiving and pointing at me like a wand from Harry Potter. Then, I see your back again as I sit here with you. Together alone.

At the end of the night, when I know you’re home safe. I try to speak to you from my heart. You say I’m weird and making this awkward and why does it have to be so serious and make things heavy. I don’t know how this could possibly be true, if you truly know the kind of person I am. If you cared to listen to the words I’m saying and hear them. They are not weird, or heavy or awkward to me. They are truth and light and love. You’re safe though and that’s enough.

I think maybe you don’t know the kind of person I am. I think you choose too not know me.

I think I choose not to see the type of person you…at least when we are together alone.

Keep smiling, you’re worth it!

Always Yours

me