HEADS:

Your presence rearranged the quiet places in me. Those places I hold to myself out of fear and insecurity. There was no force, no certainty, only a kind of gentle gravity, a type of openness and willingness to accept me. You made me aware of how deeply I can feel again.

TAILS:

I cared about you more then I ever said out loud, I started to care in a way that scared me, because I’ve already lost more then I knew how to survive.

HEADS:

There was a spark inside me, carried so carefully in my heart. I should have shared it more with you then, when it was just fighting for life. It was dangerous, you were dangerous. I didn’t want it to burn you or to have it snuffed out. I tried to protect you the only way I knew how, by dimming myself, to not scare you off. You were so wanted, and this feeling inside of me was so feared.

TAILS:

You met me with warmth and depth and a type of intimate detachment at first, part of me wanted to step towards that. I have been stitched together with grief and didn’t know how to hold something new without feeling like I was betraying what I lost.

HEADS:

I cared for you in a way that was without expectations, full of hope in all things. I never wanted to possess you; I just wanted you to be present. I never wanted certainty from you; I only ever wanted honesty. I never wanted you to make any promises, in you I saw someone I could stand together without fear, I just didn’t know how.

TAILS:

You say you tried to protect me from yourself to me it felt like a door closing, alone again, abandoned and cold. It felt like others got to be with you, experience you, everyone except me.

HEADS:

I only ever wanted to be the true me, with you and I never knew how because you made me feel like someone else entirely. You made me feel like a me that I didn’t deserve to be.

TAILS:

I was never angry, I was afraid. I don’t want to need someone again, to lose someone again, to let myself hope for something I wasn’t sure I would be able to sustain. You could have been a good thing; it was the wrong time. I didn’t know how to say that without hurting you. It felt like everything I did would hurt you if I was honest and open to you. A lot of what I did hurt me.

HEADS:

If I miss you, it isn’t a wound, it’s a testament, it’s the quiet proof that something real passed between us. Come what may, peace, distance, friendship, or something unnamed…I want it to be honest, I want it to be gentle…for both of us.

TAILS:

If you miss me, I hope you know I miss what we were too. Before I felt that my honesty was hurt and your intesity was danger.

HEADS:

I saw your heart.

TAILS:

I saw your sincerity. I saw the way you tried.

HEADS:

When I stepped back, it wasn’t because you weren’t enough. You are enough.

TAILS:

When I stepped back, it wasn’t because you weren’t enough, it was because I wasn’t ready.

HEADS:

If I seem distant, it isn’t rejection.

TAILS:

If I seem distant, it’s self-preservation, it’s grief and fear. It’s me trying to not hurt you and keep my world from collapsing again.

HEADS:

I love you.

TAILS:

I …

HEADS:

…

Keep smiling, you’re worth it!

Always Yours

me